ISSUE ONE: March, 2019

@_FloridaMan Arrest or Justin Bieber Antic?

by ROBBIE MAAKESTAD

@_FLORIDAMAN ARREST OR JUSTIN BIEBER ANTIC?

1. Abandoned pet monkey in Germany due to lack of correct paperwork.

2. Tried to smuggle 14-year-old and 17-year-old minors into nightclub.

3. Initiated physical altercation with young girl over hard boiled eggs.

4. Hit man in the ear with New Orleans Saints garden gnome. 

5. Hocked a loogie on pedestrians from hotel balcony.

6. Attempted to drive drug-laden loaf of bread across Canadian border.

7. Accelerated car over Chihuahua that had wandered into the street. 

8. Spray-painted hotel facade, rather than wall he’d received permission to tag.

9. Threw 24 raw eggs at neighbor’s house.

10. Punched hole in hotel bathroom and broke water valve, causing $100,000 in flood damage.

11. Cursed U.S. president while peeing into restaurant mop bucket.

12. Slapped a police horse named Rusty four times on the rear end.

13. Absconded restaurant with $1,000 of grouper and stone crab.

14. Arrested for reckless ATV operation.

15. Called 911 after Playstation stopped working.

16. Left dead possum on ex-girlfriend’s front porch. 

17. Spat into neighbor’s face and threatened murder when confronted about driving habits. 

18. Drove vehicle through active construction site in order to make haircut appointment. 

19. Shot crossbow through neighbor’s wall after adjusting sight and missing target.

20. Waged shirtless assault on DJ for not playing hip-hop.

ANSWER KEY:

@_FloridaMan Arrest:

3, 4, 6, 7, 10, 12, 13, 15, 16, 18, 19

Justin Bieber Antic:

1, 2, 5, 8, 9, 11, 17, 20

Both:

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ROBBIE MAAKESTAD is a Senior Features Editor for The Rumpus and an Assistant Professor of Writing at Point Loma Nazarene University in San Diego. He is writing a biography of place about Jerusalem’s City of David archaeological site. He has been published or has forthcoming work in Boulevard, The Normal School, Essay Daily, Wigleaf, and Bad Pony, among others. Follow him @RobbieMaakestad.